These are the funniest inspirational quotes of all-time that are loaded with insight and life lessons, while also teaching us not to take ourselves too seriously.
“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams
“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
“There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“The key to success is not through achievement but through enthusiasm.” – Malcolm Forbes
“I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.” – John Green
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin
“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch
“It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” – Thomas Sowell
“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Sam Levenson
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus
“The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” – Charlton Heston
“Aspire to inspire before we expire.” – Eugene Bell Jr
“I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.” – Edgar Allan Poe
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright
“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell
“Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia Heimel
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney
“Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.” – Langston Coleman
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown
“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle
“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
“Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.” – Harry Emerson Fosdick
“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” – Maureen Dowd
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” – Mae West
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter
“I have to be successful because I like expensive things. — Lisa Lieberman” – Wang
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson
“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones
“If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.” – Marie Osmond
“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.” – Charles J. Sykes
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.” – Terry Pratchett
“Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished – If you’re alive it isn’t.” – Richard Bach
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns
“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” – Jeffree Star
“Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.” – Enid Blyton
“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!” – Tom Lehrer
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
“It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!” – Steven Weinberg
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” – Voltaire
“When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best – that is inspiration.” – Robert Bresson
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.” – Ethel Barrymore
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington
“I have a simple philosophy: Fill whatis empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.” – Alice Roosevelt Longworth
“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote
“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis
“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White
“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
“A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” – Frank Zappa
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Life is like a sewer–what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” – Dr. Seuss
“Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” – Jason Love
“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland
“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” – Albert Einstein
“Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” – Eschenbach
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers
“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.” – Sam Levenson
“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” – Isaac Asimov
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright
“It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare. — Lisa Lieberman” – Wang
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.” – Samuel Goldwyn
“Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” – Robert Brault
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison
“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly
“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” – Mark Twain
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” – Mark Twain
“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” – Woody Allen
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White
“When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'” – Sydney Harris
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain
“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost
“If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams
“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
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